6 Things I Learned about the 80′s from Watching “Romancing the Stone” on my Day Off– and You Can Too!

1) Michael Douglas was considered Handsome in the 80′s.

2) Combing out your naturally curly hair is the HEIGHT of glamour and fashion.

3) White people can totally live in Colombia without knowing any spanish, or being a drug kingpin.

4) Gangsters love romance novels.

5) Heroines are mad mousey, but they find their way when introduced to a sufficiently HANDSOME leading man (Michael Douglas).

6) If you wanted “flats”, you had to cut the heel of a normal (high-heeled) shoe.

7) Jeeps are explosion proof.

February 20, 2012 – 9:55 am
By katie | Posted in Polite Society, Relationships | Comments (0)

Squirrel Killer, Qu’est-ce que c’est?

My partner Stan is a Squirrel Killer.

What is that, one may ask?

A Squirrel Killer is many things, on which I will not enumerate. Suffice to say, a Squirrel Killer in this case is:

1. A man who has killed not one, but two squirrels.

2. A man who met a lovely lady many years ago in a bar, fell in love and then ended up shackled to the lady, a house that is worth nothing and 2 dogs who are worth far less.

3. A Squirrel Killer has eyes like these: and may or may not resemble Ted Bundy.

4. A Squirrel Killer, in this case, is an unfortunate but loving individual forced to finish what his dogs cannot.

If you meet a Squirrel Killer in your daily life, do not be alarmed. Unless you’re wearing a squirrel suit, you’re relatively safe.

This person is not safe:

October 23, 2010 – 5:00 pm
By jasmine | Posted in Being Old, Food, Housing, Polite Society, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments (0)

10 Things OKTrends never told you about Online Dating

10.  It’s a ladies market, unless that lady is fat.

This is why most photos are a few years old.  The other reason is smile lines.  So ladies, get it together, unless you’re already stuck with some guy for the rest of your life.

9.  If someone writes that they hold the interest of “philosophy”, prepare to have a series of conversations about their cats.

Seriously, “philosophy”?  That is just the saddest stab ever in the direction of intellectualism.  If you are currently listing “philosophy” as an interest, here are a few more plausible interests that you might want to substitute:

  • Levi-Strauss
  • Nietzche (this isn’t too original, but it’s a classic)
  • Post Modernism
  • Deconstructionist theory
  • 1920′s French Literature
  • Buddhism
  • Communism
  • Reading bloomberg news
  • NPR’s “All Things Considered”

8. Cropping happens for a reason.

Don’t kid yourself here, fatties.  And if you’re a top heavy kind of person, don’t do yourself a disservice by cropping out those size 6 gams!

7.  Don’t trust anyone who puts up a picture of themself in a chinese restaurant.

This goes without saying.

6.  If you are a dude and you set your “looking for women aged” field to fifteen years younger than you up to five years younger than you, you get what you ask for.

You will be amazed by how fast that “career oriented” 23 year old intern turns into the gold digger your father warned you about.

5.  If you are a dude and you don’t have abs, you should get some.

Actually, this goes for people who are not interested in online dating as well.

4.  Lie about your income.

Again, enough said.

3.  People who are explicitly “NOT looking for drama” have generally been diagnosed with Crazy Bitchitus.

Even the guys.  What kind of sane person would feel the need to state explicitly, as part of their first hello, that they are there for NOT DRAMA.  Maybe italians, but I’m pretty sure ethnicity alone is no excuse.  There also need to be ex-wife or mother-related mitigating factors.

2. “Massage Therapist” is not the job you think it is.

I know from sad experience.  The first glance of the words “massage therapist” online gets your blood circulating in a way you never thought possible from the previous comatose 20 years of existence.  You imagine a romantic dinner on a terrace, followed by, in a bar dark enough for the comfort of yourself and the other patrons, the world’s best massage ever.

Nobody expects the hourly bill on the nightstand the next morning.

Consider yourself warned, America!

1.  If one of their pictures features them near a boat, DON’T DATE THEM IF YOU HAVE A BOAT.

They are only after your boat, and the endless “I’m on a boat” badges they can collect thereafter.

4Square is serious business to a certain fetid type of social climber.

August 26, 2010 – 3:21 pm
By katie | Posted in Relationships, Science | Comments (0)

10 Things Planned Parenthood Never Told You

C’mon, you know you went there.

Most likely it was in the 1980s, when the fear of AIDS was still minimal (because you were a hick who lived in a place like Pennsyltucky), you were 15-years old and the worst thing imaginable was not pregnancy, but Herpes. Quelle horreur.

So, most likely (because it was the 1980s and you lived in the sticks), one of your buddies drove you to PP (Planned Parenthood) in her beat up Volkswagen Rabbit (with a tear in the roof and a can of Aqua Net rolling noisily in the back seat – because it kept hitting the jam jar filled with her mom’s Gordon’s Gin). She took you because she was your BEST FRIEND EVER and because YOU TOLD EACH OTHER EVERYTHING and because “Shane” (your gorgeous punk boyfriend) REALLY LOVED YOU and it was time…it was time to GO ALL THE WAY.

But…because you were a nerd deep down inside and raised by a mother who instilled you with fear (not love), you knew you needed THE PILL…or something to make “Shane’s” love glue ricochet off of a wall of poison or spermicidal slathered rubber so that it  WAS KILLED INSTANTLY…and therefore, you could finish high school and live the rest of your lackluster life childless and relatively alone (whoops, was that out loud?).

You walked into the beige, pamphlet littered offices of PP, sweated like a whore in church and finally met with your “advisor”…The following are 10 things she never told you (of course, you found out later):

10. “Shane” doesn’t really love you

9. No matter how well prepared you are, the boy you’re about to have sex with has NO IDEA how to put on a condom

8. Being on The Pill in combination with a diaphragm, spermicidal foam and a condom is sort of like trying to fuck in a car wash…lots of foam and movement, but you still get scratches on the hood (the inside remains untouched)

7. Your clitoris is NOT inside your vaginal cavity…and it will be years until someone finds it

6. Giving your boyfriend oral sex instead of “real” sex is beneficial in 2 ways: 1) you own them and 2) this skill will come in handy later in life when you’re applying for jobs because your college degree (the degree you got because you finished high school because you never got pregnant) is really worthless

5. The word “whore” is just a word bitchy women use in regards to women who make more money than they do

4. Size does matter, but, the older you get, it has more to do with the size of the wallet

3. None of your friends are having great sex…they’re just having ho-hum sex (no matter what they say) because teenagers have no idea what they’re doing

2. Sex will always be as awkward and uncomfortable as the first time, even when you’re an adult (unless you’re raging drunk)

1. The best sex you will ever have is not with “Shane,” but with your freshman college roommate “Sally” who is also a Kappa Delta

Note: The opinions and experiences offered in this post in no way reflect the opinions or experiences of the author.

July 30, 2010 – 10:53 pm
By jasmine | Posted in Being Old, Health, Polite Society, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments (2)

10 Things your Mother Never Taught You, Part I

Not an accurate representation of your life on tupperware.

(and maybe could still use a few pointers on herself!)

First off I have to say, I love mom.  And not just the generic idea of mom, I love my mother to tiny little suffocating bits and pieces.

But that doesn’t excuse her from my postmodern scorn–nay! She’ be better off if I hated and avoided her (editor’s note:  Katie’s mother probably believes she is ignoring her, but this is simply inaccurate given her overall attention levels towards other people).

10.  One cannot successfully live off no-mayo tuna salad sandwiches cut into thirds and distributed amongst the children.  Sure, take one in a desert, but that shit is missing every nutrient vital for life besides pickles.

9.  If it’s portable, good for the environment, and holds just enough food to get you started on an eating disorder, you will get made fun of for carrying it to school.  I’m looking at you, tupperware.

8.  Being friends with the weird girl really is something you should have avoided when you were 7!  All those feelings you had were true!  But too bad about the play dates, because you are now “weird girl” too.  Forever.

7.  ”Finance” isn’t some optional thing for women or certain men.  Whether or not you participate in your own financial affairs, they will happen to you.  So if this means doing someone else’s taxes at 11 in order to get the hang of it, stealing money and putting it into an interest-bearing account, being broke and hounded by creditors for a decade, or joining math club, you will eventually have to figure something out.

6.  You do look fat, and that haircut IS stupid.  Don’t worry about it though, because it will never improve, and only a select few around you have even a bat’s chance in hell of figuring hair out by the time they’re 25.

July 29, 2010 – 9:45 pm
By katie | Posted in Relationships | Comments (0)

Pam & Jim’s Camping Rules

My delightful partner in crime, Pam, sent me an email today.

Upon reading the email, I realized that the information was perfect for GTFU and, because Pammy said I could, I have posted it in full (see below).

There’s really nothing you need to know prior to reading the tips she has provided other than: Pam is old like me, she is married, has kids, grand-kids, etc. and is one of the funniest people I have ever met.

In fact, once when we were exiting the mall, she set off an alarm and I accused her of shoplifting a sofa (and hiding it in her female anatomy). She deadpanned, “Yes, it’s a sectional.”

The only other thing to know about Pam is that she was engaged to a guy named Jim at the same time Pam and Jim on The Office were engaged. Also, they were married about the same time Pam and Jim from The Office were married. Hence, we refer to friend Pam and friend Jim as “The Real Pam & Jim.”

Following are their Camping Rules:

Camping Rule #1) NEVER purchase a 2-man tent from Walmart.  What the box should say is 2-dwarf tent.

Results: About 20 minutes of sleep the entire night.

Camping Rule #2) When trying to get something out of the car top carrier that is on the roof of your vehicle, be careful not to smack your arm on the car door when getting back down.

Result: A beautiful reddish/bluish/purple bruise about the size of 2 ginormous marshmallows.

Camping Rule #3) Never give a 4 year old more than 1 ginormous marshmallow before bedtime.

Result: The 4 year old will stay up later than anyone else in the entire campground.

The Editor is adding Camping Rule #4) BRING A GUN IN CASE KIDS GET ROWDY!

Result: Funny pictures.

No more marshmallows!

July 19, 2010 – 12:54 pm
By jasmine | Posted in Being Old, Housing, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments (0)

10 Things Your Guidance Counselor Never Told You, Part II

In the upcoming months, GTFU will be providing our readers (all 3 of them) with handy lists of things they should have been told from people who were supposed to tell them.

Though the lovely (more youthful) Katie is tackling the posts from a more relevant perspective, I will be reflecting upon the things they never told us in the ’80s (no, not the 1880s, but thanks for checking).

Remember your guidance counselor from high school? The one with the really dry hair and breath that smelled of Kool cigarettes? Well, you were right about her, she was a useless bitch…

And this is why:

5. All the A’s you made truly meant nothing in the real world.

4. Being in the school play (and you rocked it!) branded you a loser later in life, just as it did in high school.

3. That “bad attitude” will actually be the only thing that gets you anywhere, as your education will not.

2. That “bad boy” you dated who blew up the school bathroom is not actually a waste of your time, as he will eventually become an electrician making 3x your paltry salary even though you have 3 degrees and he dropped out.

And the number one thing your guidance counselor was wrong about?

1. Sex, Drugs & Rock-n-Roll are really what life’s all about in the end.


July 19, 2010 – 11:30 am
By katie | Posted in Being Old, Polite Society, Relationships, Uncategorized | Comments (0)

10 Things Your Guidance Counselor Never Told You, Part I

In life there are plenty of figures who are supposed to have got it figured out.  If you just listen to them and play straight to the vest, everything will work out fine.

Or so we’re told.

In an effort to straighten out the facts I bring you the first of potentially several installments of “Things Your Blank Didn’t Blank You”.

Guidance Counselors

10.  Where you go to college doesn’t matter.  It might seem this way to a guidance counselor, from the depths of hell that is public education (and not even in an educational role, let’s be serious here), but the honest truth is that if you were going to get anything truly valuable out of an expensive education, you wouldn’t be going to public school and getting such bad advice in the first place! Which leads us to our next two points…

9.  What you study in college matters, a lot.  Don’t believe the hype of high school and college guidance counselors that you can get all sorts of good jobs with a BA, or just go to grad school and make up for 4-5 years of lost time.  It’s bunk.  Pick a job, look at the degrees required, and go from there.  Even if you end up hating the job, you’re employed somewhere besides Red Lobster while you try to figure out the next thing to aim for.

8. Network the hell out of your college days.  Sure, if you don’t have the pedigree all you’re left with is the noveau riche, but there’s an entire nation of disenfranchised poor people who just can’t stomach the thought of voting for a poor person, but feel strange about electing Sir Rockefeller, Jr Jr Jr Jr.  Thus,

7.  Run for government!  Even if you fail, there’s a bunch of crazy assholes out there who’ve seen your face on TV.  This counts.  Better yet, forget everything we’ve said, jump into a communications degree from some barely-accredited get up, get some ass lipo and put it in your lips and become a tv anchorperson.

6. It doesn’t matter if you’re stupid, so get that worry out of the way first.  Being stupid does make it hard to take good advice, but you’ve got your entire life ahead of you!  Kiss some ass, get on TV, and amass some power (not necessarily in that order).  Your mom will still be proud of your dumb ass as long as you’re working for some company that she’s heard of.

Otherwise, mom is going to be pretty upset with you–until grandkids, that is!

Stay tuned for part II, featuring Jasmine’s insight into a world in which it was legal to smoke cigarettes within 100 feet of high schools!

July 17, 2010 – 10:25 am
By katie | Posted in Money, Relationships | Comments (1)